Pothole humour

The great Bangalore pothole safari
Deccan Herald

Last night I went out on a pothole safari. It felt just like a wildlife safari. I had searchlights on my car. I also had a professional Pothole Spotter.

It took a long time cruising along Bangalore roads before we spotted our first one. It was a real thrill. Imagine.. a real full scale pothole right in the middle of what was, by day, a busy thoroughfare. “Quick Maam…. There - can you see that little glint of water. That is a real big one,” whispered the spotter “Where, where,” I squealed in the excitement of coming face-to-face with my first pothole. “Sshhh, not so loud,” whispered the Spotter. “You will scare it away. They have a fine sense of hearing and antennas that can sense vibrations from two kms away.”

We cut off the engine and spoke in gestures as we tiptoed towards the pothole hardly daring to breathe. It was eerie. My heart pounded and sweat broke out on my forehead. It wasn’t the reward money, you understand, but the thrill of it all.. the chase, the hunt, man..er woman… pitted against the wiles of potholes.

There we were within two yards of it when I slipped. And the pothole vanished. Just like that. One minute it was there smirking and probably saying ‘come and get me you wiseguys’, and next minute it was gone.

We went back to the car, calipers, slide rule, dipstick, disappointment and all. But the Spotter was upbeat. He said. “They have all been scared off by the CM’s night prowl. But we will find them.” Long dark hours later, another pothole. This one looked like the mother of them all, guaranteed to break 200 axles a day – on Ulsoor Road. This too vanished, practically in front of our eyes.

BMP Specs

Finally in the early hours of the morning we caught a medium-sized one big enough to meet the BMP specifications. Our Spotter held it down while I measured it. Exactly 20 x 20 cms. And depth about eight cm. Hurray!

I stood there in my new jodhpuris and sola hat looking suitably victorious for the historic photograph, which would hang up right next to the picture of my grandfather with the first tiger he killed in Nalgonda long before they made it illegal to kill tigers.

Then while three people lay sprawled on the road to hold the pothole in place, I whipped out my cell phone and called the BMP. A sleepy voice answered: “You spotted a pothole -yawn –where?” “It is on one of your specified roads. Send someone to verify it right away”. “Sorry madam, night time spotting does not count.” Then I became aggressive. “If you don’t come here now I will call my lawyer, I will call my CA and I will even call my vaastu consultant and complain.”

I think that vaastu consultant threat got to him because everyone knows how Bangalore Vaastu is not quite conducive to IT growth these days. “Alright, we will come by end of March,” he said pacifyingly.

“No, now! Even the new CM works at night so why can’t the BMP?” Three hours later a sleepy team arrived. They took out their tape measures. And discovered the pothole was 2.4 cm short of 20 cm width. “Too bad,” said the BMP verifier gloating.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. Didn’t we measure it with calipers and slide rule earlier? How could it shrink it with three people holding it down?

The BMP Verifier sidled up to me ‘If you pay me Rs 500 I’ll make this pothole bigger”. I refused, feeling very righteous about not bribing an official after seeing Rang De Basanti. I am sure Aamir Khan wouldn’t bribe someone to make a pothole bigger. He’d just go out and kill someone and then take over Radio City to announce it.

All I have to do is continue my night safari with my Spotter. And just hope Mr HDK doesn’t spot all the potholes before I do.